i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
