words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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