the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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