The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
