I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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