then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
