now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
bring money and cleavage
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
