Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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