lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
