I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
