I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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