Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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