i need an iv and a liver transplant
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
