M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
