the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
