I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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