just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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