It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
