My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
