PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
