Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
