you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
