The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
