The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
