I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
