you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
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I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
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I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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