I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
