my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
