Yo dont text me then not text me
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
