i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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