have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
