Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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