In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
