Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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