Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
