My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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