Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
