she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
