I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
