Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
