so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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