Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
