They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
