Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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