I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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