So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
