we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
