if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
