Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
