I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
