Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
