So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
