So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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