i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
