if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
