John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
you made out with another girl for some wings
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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