she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
