New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
